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  • Eileen Wittig

The Cuffing Search


Well, the holidays are over, winter has finally come to America, and with the cold weather comes Cuffing Season. When all the singles of the northern hemisphere look outside at the cold, sigh, and think about how nice and cozy it would be to have someone to snuggle with under some fluffy blankets in front of a fire, dozing off to the flickering flames.

Sigh.

In the inevitable resulting search for Someone, speed dating and first dates become more of a thing. But just because the northern winds are whipping flecks of frozen water into your eyeballs as your trudge down the street alone while laughing couples frolic past you, keeping their hands warm by holding them in each others’ coat pockets, that doesn’t mean you should settle for just anyone. You don’t want to give out your cuddles to some rando. You need a quality person who agrees with you on things in order to doze off together in the cozy environment you imagine. Otherwise, the cozy heat from the fireplace in your imagination will become a heated argument, and rather than snuggling up in each other’s arms you’ll be snuggling up to opposite arms of the couch. Which is neither cozy nor romantic. Which is the goal.

So to help avoid the latter situation in favor of the former, here are some questions to vet any potential Cuffing mates:

  • Do you regularly wear actual pants, or do you still think that sweatpants are acceptable attire for adults out in public?

  • Are you a bandwagon sports fan, or do you stick with your team through thick and thin?

  • Do you think Deflategate was a real thing?

  • Do you own and wear colored clothing, or do you only wear black?

  • Do you know how to dance, or are you at least willing to learn? Or do you think it’s stupid and unnecessary, which makes you a clumsy uncultured oaf of a buffoon?

  • Will you kill a spider if I scream and hysterically tell you to?

  • Is it, like, literally the end of the world to you if you lose internet?

  • To you, does the phrase “Netflix and chill” mean “five seconds of TV and then a whole half hour of ~fun stuff~ and passing out on the couch afterwards,” or “two hours of dedicated movie and snack time with cuddles, during which there is no talking”?

  • Do you drive exactly at the speed limit, or do I have to do all the driving?

  • Unrelated: are rules rules, or are they guidelines?

  • Are you aware of and informed about what’s going on in the world right now?

  • Do you have opinions on things? Or do you just shrug and let things happen while people tell you what to think and how to live your life?

  • Are you voting for Trump? Not as a joke?

  • Are you a narcissist? (If yes, they’ll say so. They aren’t ashamed to say it. They own that shit.)

  • Are you a psychopath? (If they are, they’ll vehemently deny it. If they aren’t, they’ll look worried and wonder if they are.)

  • Do you think you deserve stuff just for existing?

  • Do you actually like fruitcake and other such atrocity desserts with fruits in them?

  • Do you know how to walk in snow?

  • If it’s been snowing and I ask you to go sledding at 2 a.m., would you?

  • Do you understand the importance of donuts to this world?

  • Do you underestimate the magic of forehead kisses?

  • Tea, coffee, or hot chocolate for snuggling?

  • Are you pro-White Christmases?

  • Do you own fluffy blankets or should I go get mine?


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