• Eileen Wittig

Women Vs. Girls

It’s finally Fall, which means Cuddling Season is coming, which means people are starting to feel their Singleness a little more acutely. Summer flings are over, and people are moving towards wanting to settle down with another cuddle-deficient human being. The result is guys looking for dates, finding the crazy ones, and then giving up on all of female kind.

I promise we’re not all like that. Like, say, me, for example. I’m perfectly perfect. I’m also single. Which is completely unrelated.

Anyway. After talking with my guy friends, I think I have identified the problem — they’re asking out girls, not women. And not me.

I started to point out the girls v. women problem but they had no idea what I was talking about, which I should have realized before I even started, because if they knew, they wouldn’t be asking girls out. And rather than telling the same thing to all the guys, I will just write it all out here and direct them all to this.

So, Men: if you want to ask someone out, make sure she’s a woman, not a girl. There are a lot of subtle differences and nuances that will tip you off as to which one a particular female is, but there are some more obvious indications too. When you’re considering asking someone out, ask yourself these questions:

(*Disclaimer: This series of questions is by no means exhaustive, nor organized in any special way besides the order in which they entered my head. And when I say “ask yourself” I mean “for the love of everything don’t ask her these questions.” Consulting with others is, however, allowed.)

Does she freak out when a guy seems interested in her? If yes, she’s a girl. Do not try anything with her. She will freak out. If no, she’s a woman, and she won’t have a meltdown when you ask her if she wants to get an overpriced coffee with you. She’ll probably say yes, unless she has a wicked good reason. Like she’s already in a relationship, or you are a genuine supporter of Trump and she is a hardcore Hillary fan. That is a disaster waiting to happen, with way too much hot air.

Is she closed-minded? Can you have intelligent, comprehensive conversations with her on controversial topics for more than ten seconds without worrying that she’ll bite your head off before she bursts a blood vessel? If no, she’s a girl. Do not ask her out. Small talk works for a first date, but you can only talk about puppies and kittens and #Fall for so long before you want to branch into shaky territory, like what your favorite Anythings are, or whether she likes rain, or what stand she thinks the US should take about Russia in response to the Kremlin’s actions towards Syria, especially in light of the new “hotline” between Russia and Israel, speaking of which, what does she think about that? (There are exceptions to this rule. If you have differing opinions on Deflate Gate, that’s just it. The end. No constructive discussion will be had. But that doesn’t mean she’s a girl. It means she has very strong feelings about things. Which is a plus. People without opinions are boring.)

Does she play guys off each other? Does she play games with you and try to make you jealous? If yes, she’s being petty, and ain’t nobody got time for that. Not you, and not women. They’re better and more mature than that. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Does she like being the center of a literal or metaphorical jousting tournament? Does she get a bunch of you guys together, knowing you all like her, and then sit back with a little grin and watch you guys fight for her affection? If yes, get the hell out, she’s crazy.

If she supplies knives/swords/lances, accept them, and then run away and throw them in the nearest lake/river/ocean/volcano. Better to pay a fine for “losing” property than to let her keep weapons.

Is she co-dependent? Does she text you all day everyday about literally everything? Does she want you to babysit her and take care of her every whim? Does she complain that she couldn’t live without you because she wouldn’t know what to do with herself or how to take care of herself? Does she expect you to cater to her every whim? Is she incapable of living a life that is unattached to yours? Does she expect to be your entire life, every aspect of your life, and accuse you of not caring about her if you say you have to study for your Biochemistry final? Does she boss you around and try to mold you into whatever she feels like she wants you to be? If yes, she is a girl, and you need to drop her. This isn’t cute or romantic, it’s psychotic and obnoxious as hell, and it will drag you down. She’s her own person, old enough to make her own choices about things, not a conjoined mind and body. Taking care of her when she’s sad or hurt or sick is one thing, but being expected to literally breathe the same air at all times ~~forever~~ is another. It will turn to CO2, and you will die, and the people at your funeral will say, “Well, at least he’s free now.” And then they’ll hear her ghost laughing.

Does she know how to be strong without being a bitch? In our post-modern world, for the first time in the history of the Woman, really, there is an increasing amount of pressure for women to be “strong.” I think that’s a good thing, because no one should be a push-over regardless of sex, but there’s a lot of confusion over what it means for a woman to be strong. And it’s a difference that women recognize, and that men recognize, but that girls and boys don’t, because it’s fairly subtle and situation-specific. Generally speaking, a girl will think that in order to be strong she has to be a bitch. That she has to be mean, she has to be rude, she has to interrupt people and never back down about anything ever, and screw you if you try to argue a point with her. A girl thinks that she has to lose a certain about of femininity in order to be strong. But a woman knows that isn’t true.

Being strong means you stick up for yourself and what you think is right, yes, but you don’t have to be mean about it. That’s just being mean. You can be firm without shouting people down and displaying your extensive knowledge of cuss words in two different languages (because let’s be real, when you had to learn a language in highschool and/or college, the first thing you did was look up the bad words). Sacrificing poise and respect and control and elegance because you’re right, dammit, is not how a woman is strong. That’s how Parliament is. Don’t be like Parliament.

This is just a start, but hopefully it’s enough to get you out there, productively. Good luck, and may the force be ever in your favor, Harry.

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