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Katy Perry's "Dark Horse": A Commentary


[Juicy J]

Yeah, y’all know what it is

It’s “who,” not “what.” Great start.

Katy Perry, Juicy J. Uh huh.

Let’s rave!

Oh, so that’s what they’re calling it these days.

[Katy Perry]

I knew you were,

You were gonna come to me.

Sixth sense. Cool. Assuming he hadn’t been blatantly checking you out, in which case even Data from Star Trek would be able to tell he was going to come to you.

And here you are,

But you better choose carefully

Choose what? Between you and someone else? Is there someone else there? I don’t get it, I thought you were going to “rave”…actually you know what, never mind. Moving on…

‘Cause I, I’m capable of anything

Of anything and everything

Well that’s…disconcerting…I’d choose someone else, dude.

Make me your Aphrodite

That is a surprisingly cultured reference. I wonder how many days and how many writers it took to come up with it.

Make me your one and only

^ Respect.

But don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy

Anyone who says that, especially after saying they’re capable of anything and everything, is someone you should run away from. Seriously.

So you wanna play with magic

Why are you using strange euphemisms? ‘Cause it sounds cool? That one’s pretty egotistical.

Boy you should know what you’re falling for

Baby do you dare to do this?

No, he doesn’t. Dude – don’t make eye contact, just back away slowly.

‘Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse.

Not recommended for a relationship.

Are you ready for, ready for

A perfect storm, perfect storm?

Define a “perfect storm.” Actually don't, I don't want to know.

‘Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine

There’s no going back

Oh, awesome, so not only are you a creepy, freaky dictator wannabe, you’re also a possessive psychopath. Perfect. She’s a keeper, this one.

Mark my words,

This love will make you levitate

…isn’t that what love is supposed to do?

Like a bird,

Like a bird without a cage

But down to earth

If you choose to walk away, don’t walk away

In other words, you actually don’t have a choice. Got it.

It’s in the palm of your hand now baby

It’s a yes or a no, no maybe

So just be sure before you give it all to me, all to me, give it all to me

That…makes no sense.

So you wanna play with magic

Boy you should know what you’re falling for

Baby do you dare to do this?

‘Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse.

You know, saying it twice doesn’t make it any better.

Are you ready for, ready for

A perfect storm, perfect storm?

‘Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine (love trippin’)

Don’t interrupt. Especially with lines like that. It’s weird enough already.

There’s no going back

[Juicy J]

Uh

mind blown by creativity

She’s a beast

I call her Karma (come back)

If she’s Karma and she’s leaving you, you must be incredibly lame.

She eats your heart out

Like Jeffrey Dahmer.

Good saints in heaven, why on earth would you say that??? What is your problem?? How do you even know about him?? And why are you putting him in your song?? And if she’s Karma and that’s what she does, what did you do??

Be careful

Try not to lead her on

Just FYI, you aren’t supposed to lead anyone on. Jus’ sayin’.

Shorty’s heart is on steroids

‘Cause her love is so strong.

This is me not getting into get into the fact that those two are completely not related.

You may fall in love when you meet her

No such thing as love at first sight, yo. Attraction or infatuation, sure. Love, not so much. But I doubt you mean actual love anyway, so it’s all good.

If you get the chance, you better keep her.

Because she’ll literally eat your heart if you don’t. I really hope you don’t want to keep her because you actually want her. If so, you want strange things out of life that I do not.

She’s sweet as pie but if you break her heart

She’ll turn cold as a freezer.

Whoa, the level of intelligence and the sophistication of the rhyme in those three lines is incredible.

That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor

When did we start talking about fairy tales?

She can be my Sleeping Beauty

I’m gon’ put her in a coma.

Ok, so, not only can you not write an intelligent verse with enough syllables in each line that you don’t have to drag out awkward words, but you also don’t know the story of Sleeping Beauty. You’re supposed to take her out of the coma, idiot.

Damn I think I love her

WHAT??

Shorty so bad, I’m sprung and I don’t care.

I would think you would care, but ok.

She ride me like a roller coaster

Turned the bedroom into a fair.

!!!TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI!!!

Her love is like a drug

Love IS a drug.

I was tryna hit it and quit it

But lil’ mama so dope

I messed around and got addicted

First of all, you get addicted when you mess around with normal dope. It doesn’t take something to be “so dope” for that to happen. Second, what were you expecting?

Seriously, worst rap break ever. How much time did your writers put into it? Ten minutes immediately before recording? At least you can’t tell when my papers were written the night before.

[Katy Perry]

So you wanna play with magic

I give up on him.

Boy you should know what you’re falling for

I really don’t think he cares.

Baby do you dare to do this?

He doesn’t care enough to “dare.” Pretty sure he just does it and leaves his brain over there with the laundry on the floor while he does.

‘Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse.

*breaks open popcorn and smartphone for entertainment while she runs him over*

Are you ready for, ready for

A perfect storm, perfect storm?

He’s not actually, but go for it anyway. It’ll probably amuse you.

‘Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine

There’s no going back.

Welp, imma go look for some actual love. See ya, kids.

#KatyPerry #JuicyJ #Love

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